Friendships as Adults

One of the things that sucks beyond belief about being an adult is how incredibly difficult it is to make new friends.

When we were kids, if you had a common interest at all, you were friends with someone. You shared the interest, talked about it, spent time together. But as you get older, time becomes a precious commodity, of which there is never enough. Worse, we become jaded. When someone wants to spend time with us, we think, "What are they after? What do they really want?"

As an adult female - a happily married one, to boot - it's deemed inappropriate to evolve friendships with males. And, okay, I can understand that one. But frig, it's HARD to find friends that actually want to spend time with you as a human.

It's easier, I think, for people who have kids. You can talk about your kids and what they're doing, and that provides a safety net. You can break the ice without fear of malicious intent. But some of us don't have kids - and not for lack of trying, thank you very much. Adults with kids kind of lose the ability to talk to those who don't have them. While I understand that there's a new level to your life when you're a parent, for some reason, most parents have no desire to remember life without kids and share time with those of us not so blessed. (Yeah, sure, time is always a factor, but most parents I know don't even ASK if the non-parents want to spend time with them AND their kids. And consider this - for those who have been trying to have kids without success, don't you think they WANT to be around kids? You could be adding such a layer to their lives, yet y'all refuse to even consider it. Okay. Done preaching now.)

As an adult, in a new city, with few friends - unless you fall back on sports or liquor, which I don't - it's practically impossible to make friends.

Think about that for a minute.
Think about how many friends you could have if you actually were willing to spend 1/2 hour a week with someone new.

The opportunities are there if you look for them.

Otaku? What's that?

You may have noted that the subtitle for this blog is "Random thoughts from a nice-smelling otaku." And assuming you're not an otaku, you're probably thinking two things.

1) What the heck is an otaku?
and
2) Why are you specifying nice-smelling?

So here's the skinny:

Otaku is a Japanese term. It usually means a fanboy or fangirl. Someone who goes totally over the top in their fandom. Think Trekkies, and you'll be on the right track. Of course the term can refer to any fandom, but here in the US, people who use the term are usually referring to people who are fans of anime and manga.

Like me.

And on to the second question.

There is a phrase that you may hear in grumbling voices, usually proceeded by the word, "damned." That phrased is "stinky otaku." And there's a reason for it. Fans of anime have a tendency to enjoy "cosplay," which is short for "costume play," which basically means dressing up like your favorite anime or manga character and spazzing out while at conventions.

There's only one big problem with cosplay, though. And I'm not referring to the razzing you get from friends and coworkers who have lost connection to their inner child. It's that most costumes are made of materials that really don't wash well. People putting together costumes don't always think about the need to wash them after wearing. And then, the costumes are worn in convention halls where you're surrounded by hundreds of other fans. And most cosplayers do still have sweat glands.

So, they wear the costume for one to three weekends out of a year, sweat like crazy, and then don't bother to wash them - they just hang 'em up to air 'em out. Which might work - if they didn't then sweat in them again the next time they're worn.

Otaku stink, in its rawest form, can be as ppowerful as running into a brick wall.

Which is why regular convention-goers will often make comments about the desire to pass out free bars of soap.

So. To sum up. I am an otaku. But I both bathe every day, and wash all clothing that I may wear - even costumes. Thus, I am a nice-smelling otaku.

Hope that clarifies.

Overcoming The Fires of Passion in Debate

It's an interesting phenomenon that I've been witnessing the past couple of days.

People align themselves with their beliefs. I think everyone can agree with that statement. And if it's a strong belief, when someone comes at them with an opposing viewpoint, things can turn vitriolic very quickly.

This has always bothered me, because how can you test your beliefs to be sure you haven't missed something in your thinking if you're so emblazoned with passion that you're not actively listening to what the other side is saying.

Well, I think I might have found some help to this.

I got into a debate with someone over a political topic - something that I don't really care all that much about. But there was a basic error in their argument. And I couldn't let it stand. So I pointed out the error. Because I did, I was seen as being on the opposite side of that political fence. And immediately, I was now the person toward whom the arguer's ire was directed. There was some obvious hostility and no willingness to admit the error which had been pointed out.

...Until I stated that I was playing devil's advocate.

Immediately, the other person rethought what I'd said and realized that I'd pointed out something that was valid, and we started having a REAL discussion.

This was a huge eye opener.

When the person saw me as on the opposing team, nothing I said could be listened to or trusted. But as soon as I was seen as on the same team, the words I said were judged by the truth they held. Again, I find this very interesting.

We've built a culture that is incredibly defensive. Is it because our beliefs cannot bear the weight of scrutiny?

How can we break down the fence and let people see we're on the same side, so that we can hear the facts and weigh them - and allow the other site to really hear what we have to say. We really need to feel that we're on the same team, so that we can look at political debates (which are typically nothing more than two different solutions to one problem, with both sides arguing for which solution will work better) with a desire to actually find the best solution, not just the one that we're hoping for.

All I can say is, from now on I don't think I'm going to be telling people what side of debates I'm on. I'll try to argue for both sides, then make up my mind.

And don't expect me to tell you where in the debate I've landed.

First Post

Well, you never know if the grass is greener until you're on the other side.

I've typically used WordPress for blogging purposes. But, what the heck. I'll give blogger.com a try. Worst that can happen is I give it up after a while. Eh. Whatever.

As you might have guessed, I do have another blog: http://marketingmangamusic.com. But sometimes a random thought comes my way and I want to blog about it. But I don't want to do it on my "business blog." So this will be the place.

As for the title, it's a play on the name of the band I used to be the lead singer for: His Name Is Alive. When we toured and people asked for autographs, I signed them Her Name Is Oliver. I'd considered naming it "Atashi Nippon Otaku - confessions of a fangirl." But I'm not sure if I need a to or a no in there between Nippon and Otaku. Heck, I'm not even sure my pidjin-Japanese would be recognizable to someone from there. So, I decided to skip it.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone Japanese who will appreciate my nerd-dom and affinity for all things Japanese and will help me start to learn the language. Eh, we'll see.

For now, My name is Karin Oliver-Kreft. And this is a blog of my thoughts.
Prepare to be either amused, bemused, or bored. Not sure which.